The A-V guide to V Festival

Amarillo
Just where is it exactly? Tony Christie doesn't seem to have a clue, but he'll be relying on an inevitably huge V festival crowd to 'show him the way' when he belts out the most annoyingly infectious novelty number since 'The Chicken Song'. Will Peter Kay turn up for his 'hilarious' dance, or will he be too busy advertising that...

Beer
Of which much will be consumed at this year's festival, mostly by Goldie Lookin' Chain, causing general good times, merriment, and fights. The problem however is that V is one of those festivals where punters queue for beer tokens before being told to go and queue up again round the corner to swap your tokens for pints. No, we don't understand it either, it's almost as interesting as a 3am stint watching...

Channel 4
The good news is that Channel 4 is ditching its late night dirge to broadcast loads of action from the Chelmsford leg on Saturday and Sunday, as well as a 'Greatest Moments' series throughout this week. The bad news? It's being presented by Vernon Kay, Cat Deeley and Edith Bowman. A collective bunch of..

Doughnuts
...another ingredient that V Festival would be unable to survive without (see also beer). The US of the festival circuit, V is always packed to the walls with well rounded individuals, all as intent on having a good feed as they are in checking out Jet's new material. Pies were soooo last year, doughnuts are most definitely 2005's stodge of choice. And they'll help boost your...

Energy
Of which you'll need lots. The stages are a good distance apart, meaning lard-arse or not you'll need to keep on your toes to feast your ears on all the best acts. Last year some of the tents were getting so packed out that one of our poor reporters was denied from catching a bit of Kelis. If you want a bit more space, go check out the..

Fogies
Old ones, past-its, has beens ... or are they? 2005 seems to be the year of the geriatric comeback, with V acting as the perfect OAP day care centre. Texas, Robert Plant, Tony Christie, The Proclaimers, Bez, Tom Baxter (wasn't he in Doctor Who once?!) They'll probably be brilliant, or they may just fall over due to...

Gravity
Or that one Chris Martin wrote for Embrace that apparently revived their careers. Whatever, the revived Leeds boys' massive anthem will be one of the top tunes at V and is bound to be a huge favourite for all the...

Hairdressers
One conspiracy theory put forward by long distance lorry drivers claims that V Festival is actually a cleverly disguised convention for medium skilled stylists and salon sweepers from across the UK, a powerful lobby who dominate the decision making process of radio play-lists due to their dedication to the commercial medium. The lorry drivers claim they've gradually marginalised by hairdressers at the festival. For evidence of this look no further than...

Ian Brown
Monkeyburns has both gone the distance and been assaulted by various hair-jackers. But after all these years he suddenly seems to have found his voice again, making his Stone Roses vs solo material set an essential V catch. In fact, his set at Glasto was such a classic you'd have thought they'd have made him one of the...

Joint headliners
Yes, at V Festival they're not content having just one headliner per night. No, they have two, as in the case of Franz Ferdinand and Scissor Sisters (the 'Sisters' playing last by the way). However, this system doesn't quite work out when Oasis get involved in the proceedings, with the Gallaghers refusing to share the limelight with anyone. So rather than be a 'joint headliner' poor old Mikey Skinner and The Streets have been relegated to being Oasis' 'special guests'. You can just picture Liam writing out the invite. Next year's the money could be on...