How to Survive Rock Festivals!

Rock festivals can be the ultimate retreat from the daily grind - a weekend of escapism through great music, an electric atmosphere, and the chance to glimpse a cracking set of man boobs. For some however, the idea of spending three days trapped in a world of rawk pigs and sweaty, black-clad metal heads may be a daunting prospect, so in order to ensure your rock festival experience runs as smoothly as possible, Virtual Festivals has compiled a handy list of hints, tips, general advice and highly immature information on how to fit in and have fun.

Getting Your Pitch 
Once through the security checkpoints, you'll need to make your way to the campsite to find yourself a spot. Bare in mind that this will be your home for the next few days, so be sure to find a nice, quiet area away from drunken teenagers blasting Pantera through a clapped out old beatbox. Just kidding, because no matter where you camp this is simply impossible to avoid. However, all is not lost, for Pantera are one of heavy metal's untouchable institutions, along with the likes of Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath and the chant-able "SLAYEEEERRRRR!!!". This means that as a fan of all things loud you will be thrilled by such a display and may wish to show your love and respect through a series of deep-throated roars and screams. Grab yourself a drink, sit yourself down and join in with the festivities. Not only will this help keep the atmosphere friendly, but you will also forge a neighbourly friendship with those around you, which is invaluable in ensuring your personal belongings remain safe and secure.

What To Wear To Avoid A Beating
Now that you've been fully initiated into the rock and roll community, you'll want to mingle and blend in with your peers as much as possible. As you'll doubtlessly realise sooner rather than later, a large proportion of your surrounding chums will probably be sporting band merchandise of some description. This is because if you do not own a band's merchandise, you are not a real fan. Hopefully you will be aware of this and as such will be sporting a band t-shirt/hoodie/beanie of your own, though should you be foolish enough to forget such a necessary item, there will inevitably be official stalls and stray bootleggers dotted around the site to help you rectify such a faux pas. Add baggy jeans, skate shorts or cargo pants - unless you're an Iron Maiden fan, in which case it's illegal for you to wear jeans that aren't painted on.

Get Stuck In
After a relatively sleepless night due to the drunken tomfoolery in your surrounding area, you'll no doubt want to put your newfound "metalness" to the test - and there are fewer challenges more gruelling than the main arena. This is where your basic training is really going to face the strain. It's one thing blending into a campsite crowd, but holding your own while surrounded by 60,000 rockers being spurred on by some of the biggest and dirtiest rock bands on the planet is a whole other bad-ass ballgame. Your first port of call is probably going to be one of the many bars, where for half the price of a family trip to Hawaii you can get a nice cold pint. Not only will this settle your nerves for the day ahead, but you'll obviously look ultra tough with a pint in your hand.

The Mosh Pit
Following refreshment, it's now time to go check out the action itself. If the band of the moment meets your typically high standards, then there are two options; nod along appreciatively from a safe distance or bite the bullet and wade into the pit. When attempting the latter there are many things you must take into consideration. First of all, the mosh pit is all about fun. As such, you are expected to behave in a ravenous but responsible manner. If one of your fellow pit fiends falls down in the midst of the chaos: PICK THEM UP. The last thing anybody wants is a serious injury; unless of course said victim is sporting a crap band t-shirt, in which case you are required to deliver nipple cripples, wet willies, and other assorted childhood tortures.

Watch what you wear
As well as being responsible for your own behaviour, you also have a duty to protect those around you from any injury or discomfort as a result of your presence. While almost a requirement of entry to a rock fest, chains and spikes are an immensely dangerous prospect when mixed with a pit. Chains fling about, entwining themselves with the limbs and possessions of others; spikes scratch, scrape, stab and poke eyes out. Another dangerous combo is new rock boots and piercings. Piercings can be ripped out and new boots are extremely hazardous. Not only can they crush the feet of fellow punters in the midst of the mayhem, but they are potentially deadly should you partake in the art of crowd surfing.

Bottling not big or clever
Bottling the band is also a no-no. It may seem hilarious at the time, but even the mighty Marilyn Manson has thrown a hissy fit and pulled the plug two songs in after Twiggy copped a plastic water bottle square in the noggin. We strongly oppose testing the airborne capabilities of beer too, particularly as you won't be able to afford another one until next year's festival, and it's better in your belly.

Darkness falls
Following a long and enjoyable day of rock and roll racket, you'll surely be far too hyped to simply return to the campsite and bunk down for the night. Fortunately for you, this is the case for just about everybody else, and communally you can make a lotta noise well into the early hours. Of course, you could get to night time and feel absolutely shattered from rocking out and drinking far too much booze. If this is the case, either crack on regardless, or recharge the batteries for another day of moshing mayhem.